Painful Reminders

Wow! I made a promise to Louden when he first asked me to marry him, it was to go where ever God called us, to follow Him to the ends of the earth, hand in hand, as “one”.  I knew that we would be called to leave Natchitoches one day, I just didn’t realize how hard it would be for me. I don’t know how to fully express all the emotions stirring inside of me as we approach the moving day.  I am terrified... and excited.... and nervous.... and happy.... and sad... and blessed. Terrified of the unknown, excited about the adventure, nervous about being so far from home, happy to have opportunity, sad to be leaving so many and blessed to be able to go.  I feel so conflicted and torn in two by my emotions right now I need peace, true peace that only Christ can give.  I will desperately miss my family, just the thought of leaving them makes my eyes overflow with big, salty, wet tears.  I know how much I will miss being so far from them.  I won’t be here for the good days, the celebrations, the milestones, the laughs or more importantly the tough days, the sorrow, the mourning, the tears.  I hate the thought of being helpless, fourteen hours away from them during a time of turmoil.  God is showing me that I rely on me way to much and not enough on Him.  I need to be reminded of how finite and small I am compared to His infinite power and glory.  It is a painful reminder when you’ve been trying to do it on your own for so long now.  His relationship has to come before all others, I have to love Him far more than I love any other because He first loved me.  If my life isn’t lived for Him then what is it I am living for? He gave me breathe, gave me life, saved me, forgave me when I did nothing to deserve it.  I was adopted by the King of the universe! He calls me daughter and I now have a Father!  I owe Him my life and it is His to take.  Jesus gave His life for me.... me?!   He picked me up out of my filthy sin and held me in His arms of grace and washed me as white as snow.  The same God that makes the stars in the sky shine so brilliantly put life in my dead body and light in my soul to shine in the darkest of places.  WOW!!! Why did I ever let that slip from my mind? Once reminded I realize just how far I have wandered away from who I was intended to be, wandering farther into darkness with an ever fading light but He never left me... not even for a moments time.  Amazing grace and unconditional love.  I am so thankful for the gifts He bestows on such a struggling, sinful and small Sarah.  I have faith that He is in control of all things, no matter how great or awful it may seem.  I’m no longer trusting in my own abilities, I have needlessly exhausted myself because I took my eyes off of Him and forgot the simple truths He so sweetly whispered to my heart long ago.  I will still deeply miss my family but I am now leaving them in the very capable hands of the mighty King and loving Father who loves them far more and far better than I ever possibly could. Praise God!!!